Resilience in Relationships: Overcoming Difficulties Together
Without a doubt, every relationship will go through trials and tribulations. Inevitably, every couple will face a time of stress that challenges the bond they have developed. Yet, some couples emerge stronger than before, while others struggle to find common ground. Let’s dive into some strategies and tips that will help couples navigate and overcome difficulties with resilience and growth.
Eliminate Mindreading: We can likely all think of a time when we assumed that our partner was intentionally pushing our buttons. It’s only natural that when we try to interpret other’s behavior, we automatically apply our own logic to why they are exhibiting this behavior. The problem with this, is that everyone thinks differently! The reason and thought process behind a certain action or statement might differ significantly between you, and your partner. Asking clarifying questions before assuming intentions is a great way to eliminate misunderstandings.
Use X-Y-Z Statements: When we become upset, it can be tempting to spew harsh and blaming statements that attack the very character of our partner. Instead, try using X-Y-Z statements: When you did X (behavior), in situation Y (describe the situation), I felt Z (how you were affected). Clearly communicating the circumstances around your feelings allows for less misunderstanding, and also less escalation of conflict. By utilizing this template for communication, you can reduce the risk of your partner becoming defensive.
Establish a Fair Fight Plan: Sometimes in a relationship, each partner can need something different when things get heated. One partner might want to resolve things right away, and feel anxious if they don’t get this resolution, while the other needs time and space to diffuse before coming back to the table to look for a solution. When this is the case, things can get tricky, because these needs are in conflict with one another. A solution to this is creating what is called a “Fair Fighting Plan.” A fair fight plan is an agreement made before a fight occurs, about what the expectations will be of their behavior after a fight, including details around where a partner might go, and for how long.
Example Fair Fight Plan
Where: I will go to the gym to cool down.
When: I will come back within 2 hours, or, if I need more time, I will make sure to text and communicate that with a new expectation of my return
This helps a more anxious partner feel more secure that their partner is indeed returning, reducing catastrophic thoughts. For the more avoidant partner, this gives them the space they need to cool down, and helps reduce the likelihood of escalation.
Stay on the same team: Sometimes through stress, time, and difficulty, couples forget that ultimately, they are on the same team. There can be temptation to “keep score” but like any team sport, points acquired by one team member are shared by the whole team. By recentering on this simple fact in times of conflict, we can increase repairing interactions with our partner.
Relationships are complex, and can require maintenance and tune-ups over time. But by implementing some simple tips, we can reduce the distress and conflict caused by our differences, and grow our relationships for the better!
